I am not scared

of talking to you endlessly about anything till eternity

I am not scared

of staying alone to count every tick of unrecorded time

I am not scared

of hidden faces that breeze into itsy-bitsy happiness of life

I am not scared

of holding your hand and sitting silently for whole of my life

I am not scared

of falling forever as if some adventure will never come to an end

But I am scared of sudden moment of ‘realizations’

I am scared of having to let them go for what they piously belongs to me

I am scared of living with a thought of endlessly blinked loneliness

I am scared of some practical realities of life

I am scared of losing you to time

And…………….

I am very scared

P.S. – inspiration from purpleincarnations!

In this moment of sparkling diamond night sky

night presented itself as mercilessly baking the lonely

as if all my silence culminated in wet drop on my chin

and magical spillover ruined every thought of my being

I got up and opened the doors to my blissful balcony

but only to see a road with footsteps transfixed in time

I looked at the moon to tell my strangled unknown story

but only to hear a silence that always long to entwine

I found no one around……….and then silently,

trying not to let my tears escape

I closed my eyes……………

…………………..may be I can talk to my tears

~neilina

Long long back when I was lurking in shadows of my emotions, my dear blogger friend Amrit has awarded me this award. I am sorry Amrit that I took very long to write a post about it. I am sure this laziness will drown me somewhere!

Thanks so much dear and I am glad that you think I am a creative writer.

And remember my BlueMist Akka……yeah, yeah…..my Khumbh Mela Behan, she has also awarded my blog. Yay!! Claps please!!

And now, the intricate thing is that I have to write ten honest stuffs about me…..Phew!! So, here it goes…..

• It has been almost a year that I haven’t used my office shuttle in the morning. Is anyone interested in giving me an award on my laziness!
• I am losing interest to talk to people on cell. In fact, I feel more comfortable now to chat with them.
• I love when someone calls me in the mid of night
• Letting go the things (sometime my dreams) and accepting the things are now my two mantras.
• It is not easy for me to tell people what they mean to me. Sometime I just wish that they all could understand how much I love them.
• Oh, I am just wishing for something to happen that will reinforce my belief in serendipity.
• I love to see people laughing.
• The best way to spill all my stupid emotions and thoughts is to write a poem on them.
• Sometimes, I just want to escape and sleep in my mom’s lap and want to lay there till eternity.
• The worst emotion that I have faced in recent days is to feel and to see your parents growing old.

F-I-N-I-S-H-E-D!!

Thanks so much for all your love!!!!!! Thanks for making me happy!

Remember…that sound of silence

locked silently somewhere in my heart

And the dusk when you left me

for some unreachable horizon

And I, a dull crystal

waited there for you to come, my sun

to ablaze me with your sheer radiance

And I, a dull crystal

waited there for that rainbow radiance

captured within the walls of my soul

Till the night came to shun who I am

Remember that echo of hope in my tears

that always talked about inescapable love

And my fear of unimaginable heat of love

that can burst me into thousand pieces

And….

Finally in the deepest of the darkest night

I found myself scattered everywhere

beyond eternity, high up there, with hundred souls

I found my radiance with the wind

that always echo your platonic laughter

I, a lost dull crystal

always remember……

not to forget you

my radiance

~neilina

Yesterday I had a long chat with D. D is my PG mate’s love.  And now because of community and caste difference, D’s parents are not allowing him to get married to P (my PG mate). And after all the family drama D has finally decided that he would sacrifice love for his parents. Their relationship continued for seven years and finally it is getting over. One thing that is bothering me like hell is the life of the girl who will get married to D. D is dead sure that he would never allow another girl to take P’s space. Till now he has seen seventeen girls and whenever he has gone to see a girl, always the face of P has come in-front of him. He can never ever give his love to another girl and all his love is for P.

My cousin got married day before yesterday. He decided to go for marriage after his love story with another girl fizzled out. His thoughts about another girl is same as D. When he had gone to see the girl (like a perfect arrange marriage) and finally said yes, he felt like he himself has done murder of his love. And no-one can occupy that space, no-one can get his love, no-one can fill his heart because all the things are meant for his lost love.

And finally, V’s story is somewhat similar to this.

I sometimes feel why someone lands into marriage if they are not sure of giving all their love and care to the partner. Why they don’t think about the girl who would land-up in their life? Do they have right to play with another’s life? And what-if after marriage they still are continuing their talk with their lost love and bluffing in-front of the girl who has landed in their life. These relationship are very pious to me.

Marriage is not some boat that you need just to sail through the river of life. You don’t deserve this boat if you can’t take care of the boat in the difficult times, if you can’t give your love like wave kisses the boat and you really don’t deserve it when you yourself is making a hole for boat to sink into the river.

Are the clouds shinning in this crisp morning

even when the sun is not here to brighten me

and I know my clouds are in dull grey color

or

Is the life bestowed with beauty and endless joy

even when you are not here sitting besides me

and I know some moments are meant not to have you

either way

Hope is alive; smiling with every breath of mine

and clouds shines with solitary ray meant for ‘us’

making life to exhale certainty of its own existance

and

Within the certainty in billionth of a second

holds the truth of thousand unsaid warm promises

that your life has touched me somewhere

even when I know you always think……

I am just a Lie.

~neilina

GONE???? not for long

My dear blog, I am so sorry. I guess it has been so long since I came here and kissed you with my words. I really missed you and all my dear friends. I don’t want to give an excuse but really I don’t know how ‘few’ days away from you muted into ‘many’ days. And I way I am, little distance always makes my heart to give excuse not to come back. But finally, I have come back. Even if I don’t print my footsteps on time, it doesn’t mean I am not here. You are always in my mind, even if I am hiding (from myself); may be for my transition period. Love ya, my blog! ~~Hug me Now~~

Silently when you gaze at grey clouds

holding breath as a bird soar through the clouds

Secretly I look deep into your eyes

to steal ashy, lifeless, sinless dreams

And when you see me hiding them

You come near to me and say

‘Give them Life, Paint my Dreams’

I wonder if you know every of me

I wonder how you imagine me

I wonder if I am your imagination only

I paint your dreams with utopian love

reckon every dream with my breath

And when I come near to you

to keep them again into your eyes

to ablaze your soul

I can only see your closed eyelids

And then I whisper slowly

try to go through little opening of eyelids

But you never open your eyes…

I lay there besides you

waiting for eternity

Just tell me once,

when will you open your eyes for your dreams?

~Neilina

I never imagined you

with lips in shades of blue

where spasmodic laughter

has lived zillion times

and

with those wrinkles circling your eyes

eyes that still hold the thrill of radiance

of early morning sunshine from pines

I never imagined you

with a heart of tickling heartbeats

that cloaks all joy of zillion daydreams

daydreams not of you, not of me, but of ‘us’

and

with those crimpled hands

that still holds all the secret promises

mesmerizing our eyes with golden twilight

I never imagined

those cheeks, blenched beneath freckles

as if love is curling-up in the softness

and then flying away into indigo clouds of night

But I imagined…………….

me in-front of you

lying there lifeless

And

I imagined

every tear

falling tenderly upon my heart

burning the flame

may be of love’s radiating brillance

And then ……………………..

I stopped imagining

Me without You

~neilina

P.S. For the prompt “One Single Impression”. Poem is about the impression left by the imagination!

My current desktop walpaper……

Folsom sea! Pic taken by a man …………..heaven must be like this!!