Archive for September 27th, 2008


I guess tabula rasa child mind is influenced unknowingly by so many things which are not in our hands. Sanity Found’s post made me to think about my childhood happenings that somehow helped me to shape who am I. The incidences are very irrelevant and frivolous. Memory is so wonderful. They make us laugh when we remember the times we cried. But somehow I am realising at this point, all of them have surely helped me to become I.

I was never bothered about my dressing sense. But now, I have changed myself, I have become particular about my dressing when I have to go somewhere out. It never clicked me that sometimes other are so much bothered about what you are wearing until commented out by my friend when I was in first year of my engineering. That comment did act as catalyst in invoking memory of my childhood days when I was studying in fifth standard. I had just come finishing my routine playtime when my father told me that we all had to go out for some officer daughter’s birthday party. I was never interested in going out and to mingle with strangers. But saying ‘no’ to my father was not my cup of tea. I just took out my blue top and denim skirt and never bothered if my top had to be ironed properly or whether that blue color would go with that denim skirt. When we reached the birthday party, the girl’s mom told her to take me with her and to show all the toys. I still remember her eyes, the way she was seeing my top. And when I went to say Hi to all her friends, everyone started laughing at me and murmuring some comments about my dress. At that time, I was too shy to say few words. I listened all of them like a lamb. And like an ignored child, I was sitting alone in some lonesome corner in the birthday party. And when we reached home, I cried like anything. Time has given maturity and I hate people like hell whose only job is to observe and to judge. I know now, this is all rubbish, but still when I have to go out, I will look myself in the mirror 2-3 times to make sure that my dress is fine.

Vomiting my feelings on pages started since my fourth standard. Don’t know where all my crap diaries have gone, I just pray they should not land somehow in my mom’s hand. And still I love to write my feelings on my private blog rather than to speak out with my friends.

As a child, daddy always used to make us sit with him and to read all the quotes appeared on the local newspaper. I guess my love of quotes started from there only. Otherwise I was never that kind that I would myself go and would take newspaper in my hand.

One of my friend had once told me, “You are the most unluckiest girl I have seen in my life”. I know at that time, all the things were just slipping from my hand, but his comment made me to think, to ask many questions from God and to give a new direction to my life. I really started working hard which I guess I never did before. And now at this stage, touchwood…I am happy where I am and if I ever get a chance to meet that guy in future, I will surely gonna tell him about his wordings, may be which he made unintentionally but the wordings are still fresh in my heart. Don’t know why I can’t forget certain things!

More to go…………….

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 I am alone with you, collecting pebbles and throwing them into your water. I don’t want any of my wish come true but just want to hear the sound of that final flop sending ripples same as the beating of my heart, echoes which finally will be consumed as all my prayers have been answered. I just want to concentrate on a point on the ripples which is swinging in backward motion of struggle and forward motion of desire. I can feel some sanity growing inside my body or may be my soul when I watch this show of life. I know I am the only culprit waiting again when silence will engross you and then again I can disturb your stand stillness. May be I know deep inside, silence is echoing turbulently to touch sky. I will throw the pebble again when droplet will mutate into tears, releasing you, soothing you…….finally.

I am not meant to go with crowd collecting pebbles to embellish my cottage but to throw my pebbles to watch a show of turmoil of my life ripples.


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