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Archive for the ‘mind’ Category

RESTLESSNESS

Yesterday when I went to bed and closed my eyes, all I could feel were noises. It was feeling as if my whole body was shaking horribly from inside with vibrations starting from my head and reaching to the tip of my toe. I just wanted to gather enough energy and wanted to make my soul to sit in front of me. Then I wanted to shake my soul and wanted to shout “what is there that is going inside?” It was really sinful from my side that I started cursing myself. My confidence seems to me the part of another sky. I couldn’t concentrate and couldn’t make my mind to believe in God. Unknown fear was just gripping me. I don’t remember when sleep pulled a cover on this restlessness. Still a part of that restlessness is pinging me at every moment.

Below, not related to post………

Novice has commented in one of my post….

“Neilina, I hope you don’t mind me posting this piece to help someone worthy to get the prize offered by CNN. ” If any of you is intersted in checking the link, here it is:-

http://novice101.wordpress.com/2008/11/06/ 

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Reflection for me is an illusion. But sometimes my love for reflection increases so much that all I can’t bounce back from mirage dancing in desert. I am able to see all the precious gifts, those fairy tales, the perfect splendid world but only through someone’s else eyes. Someone who is not real and love to live a life like this. But sometimes it feels, reflection (of another person in us) is the only reality as it defines more of us rather than another person. But I also can’t work like this, looking into the reflections and at everytime trying to improve myself. No freedom! And I swing in between these two thoughts, result is confusion. Many of the times, I love to live with the thought, everything has perfection even the illusion. Just I need to change the angle of my thoughts.

I see people’s reflection inside me and that makes me to judge, makes me to decide between sane and insane. And guess, my this judgement and decision is based on mere reflection. We do these things in our real life. We start loving a person who fits in image of ourselves – image which we are not sure of many times. We seek those who reflect an image of our own selves. Perfection comes when we make a conscious decision to love the person no matter what.

It can also be like this. If I look into person’s reflection, I can also be on a way looking into myself…..like a literal reflection is the light that bounces of a person bouncing yet again off some other person. So person’s reflection will always be in or on something external to them. Now if you are regarding a person and looking at their reflection, is the reflection not in or on you? Are you not the mirror? Do you know, many considers you as a mirror? How you felt of this responsibility? Have you ever asked what does that reflection look like? Because even with mirrors, the image that is reflected does not always match what actually is the case. What does it look like and why does the mirror that reflects it make it look that way? At that point, you are really looking at yourself. When you consider a person’s behavior towards you, you are considering in part how they react to you and that implies your own behavior. Its a mutual scrutiny type of thing.

Both are important – when you are mirror for others and when your reflection is reflected in others, even if both are mere illusions. I love this quote on reflections…….

‘The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them’

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Mistakenly I landed on carving road

Thoughts diluted in mixture of sucking granules

Wisdom was shy to show real adventure

Life lost somewhere in dark corner of moon

One step seemed like to cover whole cosmos

If it was that big, why couldn’t I reach dead end?

I soothed myself as ‘You’ were there, I guess!

I tuned to see if my shadow was following me

But I was blind for my eyes were weak in dark

I was deaf for I could hear only echo of silence

Cursing echoes were returning back to me

And I decided to follow the path of echo

That was the best journey for me, I think

My path was decided from deep inside of me

Cursing echoes were ‘Your’ blessings

For they were blown from your deep heart

I stepped onto the journey reaching ‘You’

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sometime when you say

‘i trust you’

and sometime when you say

‘i believe you’

all i can see is same image

of the words in love mirror

with a subtle difference

that lay in eye holding tear

and other eye freeing tear

i have seen they always say

‘blind’ with ‘trust’

but never i heard you saying

‘i believe you blindly’

all i can see now two images

of the words in skeptical mirror

with a subtle similarity

that lay in ‘I’ and ‘You’

may be i have started

to feel than to read

may be i know

trust can be bounded by blindness

but when you say

‘i believe you’ i know

it is bounded by freeness

sometime when you say

‘i believe you’

i want you to say

everytime

‘I believe You as I’

‘I trust You as I’

‘I love You as I’

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POLAR THOUGHTS

Thought lingers

Words evaporate

Beauty vacates

Blood perspires

Hope trifles

Fear Rejuvenates

 

Fragrance lingers

Sparkle evaporates

Death vacates

Blessing perspires

Song trifles

Life Rejuvenates

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Some relations………

  • You want to keep with you always and always, for whole of your life.
  • You think it would have been much better if that they have come earlier in your life. Life would have been so different then!
  • You want to leave them and never want them to re-appear in life.
  • Some just lingers with life. You never feel for them from heart.
  • Some are always welcome and you are ready to give them ‘farewell’ any time. But you always keep them in your heart.
  • Some are just dragging with simple ‘Hi’. Never your mind gave a thought on them!
  • Some just occupy your life unknowingly and you miss them when they go.
  • You delibrately let them go even if you know they are important part of your life.
  • Some re-appear and you keep on finding the reason.
  • Some fills your lap with so much love and then hides in some invisible world. And you never try to find the reason ‘why?’

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Here are few lines from my fantasy world. I wrote as they appeared in my mind and may be the words didn’t end up to give me poem. Whatever, I love my fantasies! 😀

When you will grow old and weak

and will sit near fire in winter

to read the book gifted to you

on our first meeting

in that coffee shop,

As you will read my words

on the very first page

I promise you,

I will be there to make you feel

exactly the same way, you felt

when you read that words,

first time!

 

When you will grow old and weak

and will sit on same bench in autumn

to see our grandchildren playing

As you will rejoice that moment

I promise you,

I will be there to make you feel

exactly the same way, you felt

when we sat on bench holding hands,

first time!

 

When you will grow old and weak

and will sing seeing rain through window

remembering all my favourite songs in that CD,

gifted to you in that shop

I promise you

I will be there to sing with you

exactly the same way, we sang

when we roamed on silent roads late night

first time!

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One more month passed! Is there something in future that time wants to grasp? Why is it running so fast! 

August days have given these shapes to my shadow……..

  • It is very important to draw lines in relationships. I never thought like this before. I always endured realtionships from my heart in full swing which I thought were important to me. But now I am feeling it is not like this way. The month made me to learn to draw lines. Whether every relationship demands lines……..am not sure on this! May be the coming month will give me the answer. This reality has made me somewhat joyless. This is totally a new thing for me to learn which is somewhat against my feelings. But for my life I have to learn.
  • Why I keep on giving reasons to some even when not even one percent they are interested to hear. Bonding is always different at the ends. I felt shallow inside when the other person told me this thing directly on my face. And like the way I am, I didn’t say anything and turned to other side.
  • I indulged myself more in complexity of thoughts. But I am happy, I knew how to make them simpler……”Don’t think and divert your mind”. I tried and somehow I was successful. Sometimes I feel, I don’t want to come out from this complexity as if it can give me something precious.
  • I accepted many things about myself. And felt ‘acceptance’ is more courageous than fighting. I always believed in fighting for the things. The fight always took in silence, without telling anyone and now this acceptance is also happening like the way I fought inside.
  • I dreamt again going to Leh. I want to spent some time alone there. It was different feeling when I noticed our car moving alone. No one was there even in far-off sight and you were there alone in-between high mountains, completely outside this world!
  • Home is the best place and nothing is like to be with your parents.
  • August gifted me some important relationships- H and G and some of my friends in PG. This is the first time in PG that I felt I can go to them anytime. I never got that feeling from them that my behavior is bothering them or I am coming in-between there life. It feels good.
  • On the office front, it was cool to know how the problem dissolves by themselves. I felt somewhat confident. Touch wood!

Bye-Bye August!

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LOVE

Beholding future in glittering eyes

Sunset beauty ransacked by heart

Hands held trussing two fate lines

Wrapping them in ecstasy of heaven

Lips rest on each other touching heart

Lovers inside seashell forming pearl

Stepping on journey bounded by love!

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Memories lost in enigmatic grey matter

to have no yesterday, no tomorrow, no time

Today’s oracle with his occult magic stick,

blows softly anesthetic aromatic air

over your lashes, sailing you with time

leaving behind old memories in grey matter.

Is it so much difficult to penetrate labyrinth

like Kirchoffs’s laws mingled with hundreds wires.

Or is it so much easy to give words to memory

like framing the ticklish smile on face of child.

Whatever…..

Memories are never lost in enigmatic grey matter

For I have seen soul, the soul wrapping grey matter!

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