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Archive for the ‘pain’ Category

Today the topic on Sunday Scribbling  is ‘Forbidden’. So here are the thoughts that popped out when I heard the ‘forbidden’ word…

Cunning darkness of deepest night

made her to step outside

Millions stars of lonely moonless sky

made her eyes to shine

Salacious beauty landed on her soul

fluttering tickling into nerves

Love for his hushed whispers in rain

Made her to sleep in his arms

forbidden transition

in

un forbidden love

of

forbidden feelings

under

un forbidden eternity

of

forbidden freeness

gave her

un forbidden ecstasy

with

forbidden blessings

 

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Words wrap virtually around uncertainity

one running east and other towards west

Meanings evaporate from unseen heart

making ambuigity king of unknown modesty

Two views seen from same eyes

to slink blindness of mysterious words!

 

One of my friend’s suggestion to me was, I need to think before I speak. I am a perfect chatter-box when it comes to comfortability and never I think what am I speaking. He once told me that your kinda people are very good in hurting people unknowingly. That time, I was thinking donno how many times, I have hurted him and when I asked, he told me never but he was sure the way I speak without thinking is not a good habbit. The way like I am;  poor in drawing lines, comfortability setting-in at earlier stage if I feel good vibes, makes me more prone to this problem. I always take the person on the other side to be guaranteed about our understanding, which I guess is not a good way. I tried many times but somehow, somewhere I always fell into this trap.

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sometime when you say

‘i trust you’

and sometime when you say

‘i believe you’

all i can see is same image

of the words in love mirror

with a subtle difference

that lay in eye holding tear

and other eye freeing tear

i have seen they always say

‘blind’ with ‘trust’

but never i heard you saying

‘i believe you blindly’

all i can see now two images

of the words in skeptical mirror

with a subtle similarity

that lay in ‘I’ and ‘You’

may be i have started

to feel than to read

may be i know

trust can be bounded by blindness

but when you say

‘i believe you’ i know

it is bounded by freeness

sometime when you say

‘i believe you’

i want you to say

everytime

‘I believe You as I’

‘I trust You as I’

‘I love You as I’

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Have you ever told her

She is very beautiful

‘She is beautiful like life’

 

Whose lips shiver

with shabby smile

to vomit handicap words

Have you ever told her

Your mind can support

her handicap words

Her smile showers

innocence of a child.

 

Whose skin is deep dark

appear like moonless night

mottled with millions stars

Have you ever told her

Your heart has strength

to embrace her dark night

She carries beauty

beauty behind closed eyes

 

Whose hands are rough

paralyzed with virgin touch

scudding deep into her soul

Have you ever told her

Your soul can hold her hands

Her soul makes life beautiful

‘She is beautiful like life’

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In the morning when I got up I just prayed, “Let I be same as yesterday” and the way it is, never my solicit prayers are atoned, so here I am in a mood that I hate to be in.

Yesterday, I was with entirely new feeling and I guess that was the first time I experienced such tranquility and calmness in my mind. I enjoyed my loneliness like anything. I didn’t meet any of my friend, didn’t talk with many people and didn’t bother about anyone. Best thing was that I was not thinking about people. Otherwise, my mind is always occupied with the thoughts of people. I was thinking about me, universe, the leaves which are dancing, the clouds. I was enjoying like anything watching the nature, as if everything was meant for me only. Sometimes we need not listen any words, we don’t require any feeling from someone, we never talk, we know very well that other is not at all bothered by our presence or absence, but yet we feel filled. Just a contact is important, most simplest yet most powerful one! I know may be somewhere I am not important part of universe, but yesterday ‘important’ or anything else hadn’t come between me and universe. I felt extreme happy seeing the universe. The way clouds were coming from opposite sides and then mingling to give us rain was awesome. 

There are so many changes happening just for me and never I have influenced this change drama. I am spectator of my own show, watching the character played by me only. How it feels when at the same moment you are both actor and spectator? How it feels…..I know, I felt yesterday!

And today, I am again into the same labyrinth. Isn’t it surprising that in just a blink of a second my mood swings from one unknown corner to my own very familiar corner.

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Sometime it seems

 

world is so near to me

 

I just have to fog off

 

my reflection in the eye

 

and wipe that one thought

 

Sometime it seems

 

world is so far from me

 

Every mark of step snuffed out

 

and I scud to cross woods before

 

time vanishes that one thought 

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Right now, I am feeling as if there lay an endless vacuum between my body and my soul. Even if my body is mingling with all the lively things, enjoying with whatever given to the body by senses but inside, my soul is just sitting alone without any contact with anyone. My soul has become completely dormant. Like, my soul wants to be with my body, wants to feel sense of completeness and satisfaction. But  whenever the soul opens her arms to touch – a try towards liveliness, the soul finds that the distance between her and the body has increased.

Which feeling is this?

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NO REASON

Do I need to find reason

why sometimes

my heart gets puff

may be with

fear, loneliness, dejection

I wish I can find!

Do I need to tell you

lighting the candle

doesn’t mean

vanishing darkness

Unknowingly it increases

length of your shadow.

Unknowingly so many things happen….

Where should I find reason….

why sometimes

my heart gets swollen…….

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Going deep down in the depths

of the valley of my soul

Or

Moving up to the mysterious height

of the unconquerable mountains

Which one is better?

 

Thinking deeply to create complexity

and searching answers at every step

Or

Not to think and give life magnificent freedom

and to hinder questions appearing in mind

Which one is better?

 

How to define life? How to vanish dilemma which hangs me? Whether to quit everything or to take rest in my mother’s lap? The days will go and the moments will not come. In future I will suffer someday to have a moment of blink, to go there and keep my head there. Should I be here, struggling to make my identity…..the way, I am defining my life – the life concerned with myself only. Where life is defined to make your future secure, future which is unknown to me…. Or Should I make myself very strong that these thoughts don’t wither my mind. Answer of every question demands so much strength and every time I sit quiet, thinking………..may be this is the way life is defined!

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Problem

One of my biggest problem is that I can’t tell anyone directly on his/her face when he/she, infront of me, says any displeasing words about me. There are very few people, I remember, that I had told them directly on their face. Don’t know why my behavior is like this? May be for me respect of emotions (especially of others) is very important and I have a fear that if I return back with harsh words, somehow it will hurt him/her. I always afraid to lose any relationship and I don’t want anyone to go because of my few tomfool words. But don’t know why I can’t understand that I am more important to myself than anyone else. I know that I am insulting myself. Why I am such a moronic?

I decided to vomit out my these feelings after reading ‘My Diary’ which I was writing since my 9th standard. So many things I had written and now I don’t remember many of them. It was appearing as if nothing like that happened before. How life makes us to forget!

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