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The road of my life’s journey is full of twists and dangerous bumps. I never felt that balmy breeze and never heard any rustling of leaves with melody meant for me. I am alone in this journey and always longed for my garden. I dreamt and wished my garden to be there just after the next turn. Illusion after another illusion has given me strength to take steps. A heart filled with longing has true spirit. My dream garden is filled with fragrance of rosemary. There is one lotus pond in the middle with green shrubs encircling it which is covered with the whitest and the purest flowers. I can see butterflies dancing on them. The breeze is running fingers in my hairs. I can see full moon from my garden. I can feel dew with every step. All I can see in my garden is love and all I can feel is tranquility. This is my illusion garden and I have always longed for it.

And when I was about to take next turn to move ahead I felt the same aroma. And the next turn gave me not the reflection but the garden itself. Still I am standing in awe not knowing what to do next. I lack courage to accept you…Oh My Dear Garden! I can’t! I have a fear that acceptance may mean to lose my strength to move on. I have a fear of facing many questions from my life if I don’t accept you.  I just wish not my every wish to come true. I am preparing myself to turn back and to search for another turn that holds another dream for me.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  ~Anatole France

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Motionless……..

I am standing

cherubically staring

heap of my tacit dreams

lying in fictitious realm

radiating serenity

in every thought.

My dead dreams

do breathe silence

in matrix of dead hopes!

Vagrantly…………

I am kissing

all radiant hopes

floating in balmy air

Not knowing from where

desolate parcel voyaging

with no dreams can dust-off.

My lively hopes

do twinkle endlessly

in dark shadow of hollow dreams!

There are some dreams for which no hope is attached. Reality doesn’t allow me to do it. They can never come true. But I do breathe these dreams. After all, life is not where all the dreams are to be fulfilled. They still give me happiness when I think about them. The childhood dreams, teenage dreams, career dreams and so on! Time always sets a limit on them. Dreams without hopes are still my life. There are some hopes for which I never dreamt. They are coming, fruiting in my mind and staying there. It never occurred to me to link dreams to these hopes. Hopes without dreams! And I have also found a bridge linking dreams and hopes. Living with this trinity of dream and hope sometimes make me to think hard.

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October bought for me 3Fs – Friends, Fun and Family. The best thing was that I became more confined in my present rather than to think about the past tensions or future worries. It was good to live in your present. This month saw of me less emotional. My thinking aspect somewhat disappeared and more I became inclined to, ‘Whatever happens, happens for good’.

  • The month started with my first ever trip with friends since I landed here in Bangalore. It was really a fun; be it either venturing into water of Balmuri Falls or sight seeing of Temples near Mysore. This was the first time that my plan fruited after looooong hours of planning. Overall the trip was a fun. And the great oath that has come out is to go on a trip every month. Lets see, how many months can we go on accomplishing this pledge.
  • I dawned into unnecessary tensions and many-a-times diverted myself but thank to God, this month made me to come-out in just few minutes. Loneliness stayed away from me and whenever it pinged me, I found myself with the friends to wipe it away.
  • The support, care and love of friends really filled my heart. Be it in office, PG or my blogger friends. It really felt at peace when friend pinged me directly; asking me the reason rather than simply to read the blog, when friends bought medicines and scolded me for my illness, when they called me every time for dinner and lunch, when they cheered me up whenever I felt dull, when H bought home food for me……….Salute to Friendship! 🙂
  • I enjoyed being pampered at home. I bow my parents for their care and simply I am thinking I can never be even 1% mom as my mom is! Moms are really like this only! The part that filled my heart with tears and a fear that girls leave their parent’s home after marriage. This happened when my father was talking to me and in next moment, tears came in his eyes and after sometime my mom also started crying. How to tell them I am here only and not going anywhere now!
  • I had my first Vodka 🙂 Although there were just few drops (I guess) in one glass of Coke and I didn’t feel anything, but I am happy with the thought that coke had vodka. And I want to give again one shot to see how it feels to be in Full Nasha 😀
  • I am with these three wishes for this month – to do nose piercing, to have a rose tatoo on my left ankel, to buy SLR camera and to go on sky diving.
  • Finished reading of ‘The five people you meet in heaven’ by Mitch Albom and ‘The Monk who sold his Ferrari’ by Robin Sharma. Again these books have taken me to different world. You are new you. I just wish when I can get the courage and wisdom of Julian in ‘Monk who sold his Ferrari’ and clarity of thoughts like Eddie in ”The five people you meet in heaven’ even after my death.

Lets see, how this month of November goes! Good Luck to me!

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To speak out my wishes and my priorities is the toughest thing for me. I can’t visualize exactly what I want from life. Accepting whatever life offers can be devastating sometimes. Some questions need to be answered. You can’t leave them on time and can proceed with the flow of life. If you don’t answer then your life will not move or else no one will allow it to move. You need to sit silently and then search for answer, have to shout hundred times in a hope that answer can escape from angel’s hand or may be from devil’s hand. Being dependent it becomes very difficult to me to see clear skies beyond clouds. Again and again life is teaching me a lesson to become independent. But every step of mine has made to lag.

Mistakenly I landed

inside unknown zone

to wither kept promises

marked on my palms

I swallowed hundred songs

to give melody to life

rather than a meaning

and what came out

was a melancholy

of echoes inside hovel

Can’t be there one, just one

even my soul

wish who can understand me!

The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you; It is when you don’t understand yourself.

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HEAD AND HEART!

Creating a joint venture between head and heart puts a power pack behind your goals. Getting your head in sync with your heart and harnessing the power of coherence gives you the energy efficiency you need to achieve changes that haven’t been possible before. The head can notice what things need to change, but the heart provides the power and direction to actually bring about the changes…………

My action is mainly guided by my heart. But for every action, my head pings me, makes me to think, think without my heart. But at last, the end step is my heart’s voice. I am changed. Earlier, it was more of my head talk. I never listened my heart and may be I still crave for freedom, may be freedom means to listen to your heart. Your every step is echoed back with your heart’s voice. But steps are not taken by heart alone. My whole body is influenced by my every step. Then why do I forget my head (Is logic thinking is defined as head thinking?) There should always be a conscious step made by your head and admired by your heart or vice versa. The struggle will keep on going, but we are the bridge that can join these two narrow flowing rivers. I just wish what if all this could have been so easy…….it is not………..and ‘not’ simply makes the life worth, gives a way to go on search! Isn’t it beautiful?

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Reflection for me is an illusion. But sometimes my love for reflection increases so much that all I can’t bounce back from mirage dancing in desert. I am able to see all the precious gifts, those fairy tales, the perfect splendid world but only through someone’s else eyes. Someone who is not real and love to live a life like this. But sometimes it feels, reflection (of another person in us) is the only reality as it defines more of us rather than another person. But I also can’t work like this, looking into the reflections and at everytime trying to improve myself. No freedom! And I swing in between these two thoughts, result is confusion. Many of the times, I love to live with the thought, everything has perfection even the illusion. Just I need to change the angle of my thoughts.

I see people’s reflection inside me and that makes me to judge, makes me to decide between sane and insane. And guess, my this judgement and decision is based on mere reflection. We do these things in our real life. We start loving a person who fits in image of ourselves – image which we are not sure of many times. We seek those who reflect an image of our own selves. Perfection comes when we make a conscious decision to love the person no matter what.

It can also be like this. If I look into person’s reflection, I can also be on a way looking into myself…..like a literal reflection is the light that bounces of a person bouncing yet again off some other person. So person’s reflection will always be in or on something external to them. Now if you are regarding a person and looking at their reflection, is the reflection not in or on you? Are you not the mirror? Do you know, many considers you as a mirror? How you felt of this responsibility? Have you ever asked what does that reflection look like? Because even with mirrors, the image that is reflected does not always match what actually is the case. What does it look like and why does the mirror that reflects it make it look that way? At that point, you are really looking at yourself. When you consider a person’s behavior towards you, you are considering in part how they react to you and that implies your own behavior. Its a mutual scrutiny type of thing.

Both are important – when you are mirror for others and when your reflection is reflected in others, even if both are mere illusions. I love this quote on reflections…….

‘The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them’

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I can say that for me september month is ‘Pendulum Swing’ month. At the start of the month, I swung to the extreme end of my mood; I guess that was the worst part of me when I couldn’t think anything positive. And in the middle of the month, my mood started to change, may be because of some unknown aura and I swung to the other end of me. And towards the end, I was left alone. Swing to be made with energy gathered from inside. I am now still. The gifts that this month showered on me………

  • Best day of the month was when I went with H and G. One whole saturday I spent with them and it was just awesome. I always feel so much comfortable with them. We went to some SLV Coffee Bar and I had the best ever dosa in Bangalore 🙂 Thanks September for bringing that day in my life.
  • I always expect so much from relationship, even if the relationship is restricted to simple ‘Hi’. At the start of the month, what my soul urge number says, “You have a deep compulsive need to connect with others and if this does not happen, your personality will distort itself in all kinds of ways” came true. Don’t know why with some people I always feel some sort of attachment. And if the attachment thread is lose on other side, it is very difficult for me to carry vague thread. But as the month proceeded, I went more into tranquil state. My mantra of ‘letting go’ is working for me. And the best thing, no implacable feeling inside me.
  • One book really gave tears to my eyes. This was the first book that moved me too much. I just love ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’.
  • I have started getting the effect of IT. When I first landed in my job, I heard everyone saying…… ‘Oh Man’. Don’t know why this ‘man’ word is so popular in IT. Some of my conversation saw this word. When I talk, I feel like to keep my conversation simple and effective and till now am restricting myself not to use this word very often.
  • It was good when P herself called on her birthday so that I could wish her as I couldn’t call her at 12, the previous night. I felt happy.
  • My August Funda of drawing lines, again faded. The belief, ‘I am journeyer here and I will do the things that really please me, that is what really matters in the end’ became more stronger in this month.
  • On office front, I got new cubicle. I am loving it. Now the thought, ‘How can I decorate my sweet cube’ just hangs in my mind. Working in new team is a good experience and I am enjoying it.

Welcome October………..

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