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Archive for the ‘confusion’ Category

WEAKNESS

Sometimes I feel as if all the scratches left by the time has been rubbed. I am now a free, happy fully contented tranquil soul. But few days back, it so happened that I felt to tell everything to one of my friend. We are good friends but after his marriage limits appeared in our relationship. The time we used to spend together, our gossips, our roaming, everything condensed. Anyways every relationship changes with time and it is best to change ourselves accordingly. I don’t know what made me to share everything with him and one day I told him everything about the latest happenings in my life. He didn’t say anything…..no words to soothe you! Just nothing! But he just kept his hand on my head. I love when others keep their hands on my head. I felt so weak and felt how much still I need care and support of someone. I still haven’t grown-up to face everything alone what my life has to offer. I just wanted to hug him there only, on the road and wanted to cry on his shoulder. But I saw the space that time has created. And I continued to walk like a programmed robot.

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When I closed my eyes yesterday night, some hazel dreams started dancing in the deep darkness in-front of my eyes. But all I could see were those murky dreams that were just randomly jumping rather than dancing with those mesmerizing steps. And then with all my strength I tried to clear this smoggy scene and at the end all I could see were zillion twinkling dots telling me to shape my dream. I took one dot, joined it to another and then to another and then to another……..
Many painted dreams now invisibly rest besides me. And today when I tried to admire them, all I could feel and see is that they are not fitting in the space. I don’t know what this space is all about. May be it is all that my heart can think of, may be it is all that my eyes can see, may be it is all those emotions that I can feel or may be it is just a reflection of some fanatical dreams on a thin ice. I am clueless! And today only I got to read this message for me…..
“… that when you pursue your dreams, every second is an encounter with God. Following your dreams opens your heart allowing God to enter and fill you with bliss.”
I am here now with my dreams, struggling hard to fit them into my defined space. Many have been crippled and few have been smashed in this trial. I don’t know where God will enter and if He can fill cracks with his bliss. Just with a hope…..Amen!

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There was something different that day. She felt what-if something happens to her tomorrow, she has never told him how much he means to her life even though he doesn’t feel anything for her.

She clicked on his name and stared at the popped-up window. And finally after few time clicks….

She: Hey….are you busy?

He: Is there something urgent?

She: Nope, nothing like that!

After few more time clicks….

He: So, are you back at home? Had your dinner?

She: not yet…have to prepare yet!

He: hmmm

She: I just wanted to tell you that you are very special to me.

He: Why? what happened suddenly…so, which movie have you watched?

She: *blank*

He: Don’t get senti on me, you know that I don’t like all this.

She: I know……I am sorry!

He: I don’t know what to say…..don’t put yourself into too many emotions and sentiments…..it pains later….am too straighforward!

She: Okay

She closed the window with a thought is he the one with whom she got engaged.  A fear crippled her when she thought about her future with him!

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In this abstruse and arcane world, sometimes  I feel like to create my own universe; making ‘you’ to stand at one corner and me at the other end and then painting a life where…….

a tear is enough to release all known secrets

each meet doesn’t mean becoming more strangers

every story doesn’t end with words but a longing

each bond takes a step towards serenity and freedom

understanding will come before giving explanations

trust doesn’t depend on years spent together

where….every turn of life will find ‘you’, waiting for me

………………..

I am still standing there, holding my life with abundance of marks left by you

I hope these marks haven’t got vanished by the strokes of my hardened heart

And you will see them on your return journey.

***********************

Up Above there

in the sky

Deep Below here

in my heart

where there lay

zillion songs

of drowsy words

and loner lyrics

screaming silence

with every heartbeat

Will ‘you’ sing that song for me?

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Dream!

Adhered to glooms of sky

When I put my eyes up

shyly hiding myself

from your tenderness

to see so-much of hidden love

to paint ‘us’ with star dots

that jumps from one galaxy to other

I always know then

your eyes knock at my eyelashes

everytime

but want to burst my bubbling stars

Purposely I always then

close my eyes for eyelashes to die

You know………

Sometime I just wish…..

for my heartbeats to be much louder

that they can smatter my all dreams!

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FAR-OFF

 

IMG_0422

What was that ‘nothing’ I felt

when you hypnotized me

sitting in the dusk garden

snoozing me with your words

Never it happened before!

 

What was that ‘nothing’ I felt

when unknowingly you flared me

sitting besides in eatery for lunch

showing me that someone has come

Never it happened before!

 

What was that ‘something’ I felt

when you traveled deep within

freeing me while holding my hand

making me to see world with your eyes

Never it happened before!

 

What was that ‘something’ I felt

when rose petals fell with no-one to pick them

when blindness veiled with dreams gone with eyes

Just tell me once,

how ‘nothing’ can crumble into ‘something’……

………in just a blink!

PS: Pic is of moon from my PG for BlueMist on her request 🙂

PPS: Hopefully, this will be my last ‘sad’ poem and will try not to write like this from now onwards.

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Notes to Myself – 1

When I see I am doing it wrong, a part of me wants to keep on doing it the same way and even starts looking for reasons to justify the continuation. And no one can tell me better – not even me!

Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes and I am left the same as I began. The more things change the more I am the same. It appears that my life is a constant irony of maturity and regression, but my sense of progress is based on the illusion that things out there are going to remain same and that, at last, I have gained a little control. But there will never be means to ends, only means. I am what I started with, and when it is all over I will be all that is left of me.

~Hugh Prather

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