WHO IS MORE INSECURE IN A RELATIONSHIP?

Some Instances:-

M- male, C- female and L- female friend of both M and C.

Instance 1:- M and C are very good friends. Some days back, M got engaged. The girl was selected by M’s parents. After coming back from his native, M deleted everything whatever C has written in his facebook and orkut (particularly the things which can be seen by the outside world). M told to C that his fiance was checking everything in his accounts. He is also checking every information in her account.

Instance 2:- M and C joined the company at same time. They became very good friends. Everytime M used to wait for C to finish her work and after that they both used to go for lunch and dinner together. After some time, M got engaged. Days passed and it happened that a sort of wall came in-between. It happened like that they both were sitting in the cafeteria alone and having their lunch. But no-one bothered to ask other for the accompany. They both finished and went on their way.

Instance 3:- M and C are getting married. L (female) is good friend of both M and C. L feels very comfortable with them. M and C have so much understanding and love that their love has no effect on others thinking. L can sense the understanding that they give to others and also between them.

These are some of the instances that I came to know from some of my friends. What is there that make us to lie in some of the things with our life partner. Is this insecurity towards the relationship. Are boys more insecure or girls? I feels now-a-days boys are also becoming more in-secure in a relationship. But if I ask my friends, all of them says that girls are more in-secure in relationship. But we all are individuals who crave for what is called ‘true’ love. And may be we all think, hiding somethings in order to get this ‘true’ love is valid.  But…………??

ADDING another Instance told by Rambler,

Instance 4:- M and C had a beautiful friendship going on, and suddenly out of blue C proposes to him, now M who does not want to break her heart, nor go ahead with the romantic relationship. both are not struck in the dilemma. And now C gets engaged.

I have noticed many times the friendship between the opposite genders, doesn’t go long way, it turns to love. Are feelings natural betwen opposite genders? I feel it all depends on the individuals, how much they are clear about their life partners. For me, the friendship with is beyond this feeling of so called ‘love’ is pious.

About Rambler‘s comment, “I think more than the insecurities its more to do with a fear of loss and also add a dash of natural jealousy to it that makes us do things“. It is true, we all have a fear of loss and our tendency of jealousy. But I feel, there should be someone with whom you can share everything and still that person have so much confidence and unbounded ‘trust’ which will keep both of them together. Is it like that, no human being can find only one person like this, on this whole earth? There should be some relation as pious as someone’s feeling.

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CLOSE TO MY HEART

I remember, when I was young, studying in 4th or 5th standard we all friends in my neighbour had joined so called ‘Shaka’. This was the group (no idea if it existed now) started by some people who considered themselves as ‘Great Hindus’ of India. I am not much inclined towards favouring one religion and at the same time saying insane things about other religion. That tender age, we were least bother to hear their long lectures but more interested in the new games they used to teach us. One day, we all were sitting together forming a cicle and our Didi was imparting some speech. A boy named Birju (no one was knowing his real name, but this was the name we all had kept) came from behind and started beating one girl who was sitting besides me. We were just paralyzed with fear and after some time regaining our consciousness we moved hurriedly here and there trying to find some place to hide. Birju was suffering from Down’s syndrome. He always showed abnormal behaviour towards either by beating him/her or stealing his/her things if that person had acted badly with him. No one left in the garden where we were sitting except our Didi and Birju. Didi was looking so calm as if nothing touched her because of this happening. She went closer to Birju and took his hand and started talking to him. I couldn’t hear anything but I could see her love and affection towards Birju. After sometime, she called two-three girls to have friendship with him, but no one turned-up. I don’t know what happened to me, I went and stood in-front of him. That time, he smiled and moved his hand towards me to shake. I felt awe because of his behavior. From that time, he was good friend of mine. I learnt these people just needs your love and nothing else. My friends used to say to me, how could I talk so comfortably with him. We shifted from that place after 1year and I have no contact with him. But he gave a very important lesson to me – a love to be shared with everyone, a love to be given to people who needs most.

One of my aunt’s daughter is also suffering from this syndrome. I salute my aunt for her courage in bringing-up her daughter. I was really surprised when I met S first time. She greeted me with such a kind gesture that I can’t explain. I just love her smile. 🙂

I feel a unbridle enthusiasm towards these special (infact, I should not use the word ‘special’) and old people. My mom always says old people needs the same care as a child of 4-5 years. Just wanted to say, whoever will read this entry, if you find any an old begger, don’t forget to give him/her something.  There must be many difficulties that he had faced and we can’t neglect everyone because of mischievous acts by someone.

 

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DRIFT OF WORDS FROM MY HEART!

Searching aimlessly in my in-box, I came across my ‘old’ blog. The last post on my this private blog was on 15th Nov, 2007. Not many months passed, but when I was going through my posts, they all were appearing new, with a fragnance that had never thouched me. These words were written on 14th November, 2007.

My heart is sinking to go deep into your heart.
How my words will influence you? I don’t know.
There are some deep desires in my heart.
Some grayish desires with lines of black.
I am keeping all these desires with a dream

Hoping to help you to reach my heart
But can you give me a more than a dream
I don’t want to live like this peacefully with them.
A needle is piercing my hairs
and you know what? I am feeling pain, an endless pain.

My soul once flew and I left alone with a body,
To live with all these brutal animals.
I lived and lived and hope I will get used to life
Now I got that I haven’t lived life but life lived me.
There is confusion, a web of tangling feelings
I want to leave everything, every thought, every me
Do what you want to do now, I will not say anything
You are free and I am free from my soul
What if I didn’t get that ‘sinking’?
But, how to make sure I will be happy with you?
I am now going on a different path
The path where I have never went
I will go alone,
Together with my shadow and my God
To live in this world
To live my life
I will think now and will think about me.
You can come, whenever you want
My heart has no desire for you.
But my heart will welcome you.
The gate is open with red carpet lay there
Just I have to spread flowers when you will come!

A welcome of ‘sinking’ for which I am waiting!

 

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MASQUERADE OF BLINDNESS

Finally, I wrote this one. One way goes through expectation , and the other way is a diversion and then finally a trust as a bridge between these two……….

 

I bowed my head in the hope of blessing.

But my head been crushed fiercely by ‘his’ hands.

Thinking my body is becoming sane with blood

I stood speechless, motionless for this baptism

But……….

But how my soul will become sane without her mirror?

But may be my trust is the way to soul amelioration

Who Knows??

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Confusions in easy peasy things!

Are all taureans have confusion about simplest things in life? I have 😦 I never thought about my mistakes in all these easy peasy things until commented out by my friends. I wonder about their observation power. Forget about mine, I can’t even tell what’s the color of lipstick or what type of ear-rings our special girl was wearing in the song that just passed! Kudos to all my friends who have evolved such a strong observation.

Okay, now my confusions…..hmmmmmm………..If I am speaking to you and in-between I am saying yesterday as tomorrow….please, try to understand that actually I meant ‘yesterday’ only! I am trying to improve on this and looking-into all my words, but I feel this improvement will take sometime. Obviously everything takes some time to come-up with results! 🙂

My second commom confusion is right and left………..For this I am grateful to Auto drivers to whom I usually tell the way by saying left and at same time showing them my right hand. I am thankful to God, that many-a-times thay haven’t seen my hand and went on my words only. And for other unfortunate, embrassing situation, a smile can do wonders! This left and right also creates problems when I have to wear my lenses. On day it happened like I was wearing my left lens in my right eye and right ne in my left eye. I only knows how it feels to see the world, one through blurry eye and other through amazingly clean bright lens.

I will take time while opening the door, if it says whether you have to ‘PULL’ or ‘PUSH’. I don’t really understand why my mind becomes blank while seeing these two words. I am little bit grateful to my mind for solving this confusion with one ‘GREAT’ logic that it has developed.

Till my 12th standard my life was going smoothly with subtraction of one confusion between B and D (small alphabets). I remember my biology class, where our teacher told that some people have confusion between ‘b’ and ‘d’ and it all depends on your genes. ooooh……….why she said this thing. From that moment only; this thing popped-up in my life. I always have to make my mind confident while writing these two alphabets.

I hope, these four numbers will remain four only afterall ‘four’ is my lucky number! 🙂

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BREATHING ECHOES

Yes………finally I wrote somewhat romantic poem. WordPress is lucky for me. 🙂 I don’t know why I can’t write anything related to romance. I really adore such people who can write beautifully about their heart voice. I am happy finally I came-up with something related to heart, even-if it is not that romantic. I will dedicate this poem to Grace. When I read her e-mail in which she has sent some of her words, I felt to write something and all these words came out. I am thinking to post this one on Xanga too… 🙂

 

A moment of serenity,

vibration passed from one heart to another,

A feeling felt to capture whole eternity

And to keep it in someone’s heart…

A moment of tranquillity

Something whispered in desert to reach solitaty rose

Hands held besides riverside under mystic moon

And happiness is passed in tears.

A moment of felicity

Heatbeat held for lifetime’s dance

Each drop of rain felt in this masquerade

Soul rejuvenated everytime with every stare of beloved

How love is defined?  How ‘something’  can make yours each end a new beginning?

 

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A flow of my heart!

This world, stars, life, moon………..aaaah! Everything is so awesome. It takes my breath away each and everytime when I see all this with my heart eyes. I saw a turning point from total darkness in womb to this brightness in the arms of my mother. The womb’s wall always provided me a boundness, where my haphazardly heart beats were always slowed down by softness of love. The love being showed by giving me a cushion of squishy and pulpy tissues. Many angels also came there making me to sleep, giving a ticklish feeling to my mother. It was so complete there, but I was destined to come down to this world after a determined time. Aaaah……….Finally I came! I was screaming for that softness, for that love, for my angles. Those angels were still used to come till I grew up to be a ‘kid’ of 1 year. But time made me not to miss my angels. How could I miss them when I had forgotten about ‘my angels’? My heart beats started flying. I used to jump from one corner to another corner of sky. Painting my dreams on some clouds at one moment and in the next moment on another. Everytime I drew new spectra of my dreams. Sometimes when I reached to horizon in this fun, I used to come back to rub some of my dreams so that I could start all over-again. There was no limit for me, not even sky. But everytime when I was crossing my life, I saw and felt that my sky is narrowing down. I had to limit my dreams so that I could paint them on my new limit of vision. Finally, now a stage has reached where I am without my sky. I don’t know on which path and at what time it skipped from my hands. I am now setting into a new journey of search. The search; not for my dreams but to have a piece of my own sky. My own sky where I will paint my dreams!

 

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The Disquiet Master-> Taurus-Dog

Just I read about my birth-year combination with Chinese Astrology………….Its amazing!

Here is a dutiful combination gifted for performances of all kinds and cursed by a surfeit of uneasiness, which easily translates into dissatisfaction. Let me explain. Taureans born in Dog years tend to complain a lot. They find fault with much of what life offers, As for what life doesn’t offer, they feel it should. Taurus/Dogs have an overdeveloped sense of injustice. They cannot understand why it seems as if the cards are always stacked against them. Why are others so lucky? Why do things seem to just fall into their laps? Why don’t wonderful lucky things happen to me? grumbles the dissatisfied Taurus/Dog. But this person doesn’t stay unsatisfied for long.

How, how, how……they come to know about this???? These words only I was speaking to my mom yesterday night. Amazing! I am happy about the last line. 🙂

 

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About Virtual Rambling’s – Am I ready?

When Rambler told me that he has posted a new entry and it is a bit long, I enthusiastically opened it. Like a child’s curosity what all it contains, I just spread my eyes over it to see what exactly it has. A fear propelled from top to bottom in my body. The lines are,” everyday I have woken and seen my parents, I am somehow thinking of the day when I have to loose them, and believe me I am not liking it”.

I can’t accept it and for me it is the hardest of hardest thing that can happen to me. Seriously,  I can’t think about this and if just a blink of the thought comes, it makes my heart to sink. It makes me to lose myself. I was thinking to write on this ever since I read his post and finally opened my blog to write on it.

I don’t remember exactly when, but I think I was in 4th standard when I heard about the death of my grandma. Seriously, that time I was not knowing what exactly it means to lose someone. I was not much close to my grandpa. Hardly, for five or six times, I had shared conversation with him. I came from there after one day only. The reason was that I didn’t want to see my mother crying. If I see her, I was not knowing how I should act in-front of her and how to console her. After my grandpa death, I met my mother after 20 days. But when she came home, I didn’t go to meet her. Be it my childish behavior, I went to my friend house, infront of ours and was there till late evening. I came when my brother called me and as it would have, my mother hugged me after seeing me and started crying. She was continously asking me why I didn’t come to her. Really, how stupid I was. She wants me to be there with her but I couldn’t get the courage to go and say something to her. And now after growing-up, I am feeling all these things.

I never went to any death ceremony. I want to keep distance from all these things. Exactly, I don’t know why? But…………

This march, near to holi, my grandma died. She was suffering from gall bladder cancer. I was not knowing about this. My brother, my mom and my papa wanted to keep this as a secret from me. I don’t know why? I don’t know why they think like that, I am still a child and I can’t understand and cope with all this. That was the first time, I saw dead-body near to me, the body of person, with whom I have talked, who had loved me so much. A sort of fear was growing in me. How everyone goes from here, just in a matter of seconds. My mom was so much crying and many-times she looked at me, I didn’t get what she meant by this or what she was trying to convey to me. Still in the night, that scene flashes in-front of my eyes.

Mom once slipped from the stairs. She lost her conciousness. I just felt like the earth below my feet had slipped away and I had nothing left with me. Thank to God, everything calmed down and after so many check-ups and bed rest, she regained her health. God, I am really grateful to you. Thanks so much! Once my father lost his conciousness and when my mother saw this, she started shouting loudly. We all managed to get him on the chair. His face had turned totally yellow. When mom saw all this, she bacame blank and fell on the ground. One side my father and one side my mother. Uff…….even now when I remember all this, my hands shivers. I make my mind not to think anymore on this. Why to think about all these things, when they make only make your life to go in doom.

I can’t live without them. Simply I can’t…………………………………………..

A poem……….

I have been smiling for no reason today,
I don’t need an excuse to be happy today,
For once life has been so different today,
I have been smiling for no reason today.
Amidst dirty droplets of life, its been a rainbow today,
All I Wish for, are more days, just like today,
I don’t need an excuse to be happy today, I have been smiling for no reason today,

The poem doesn’t go with my post, but it has come at this point of time………may be poem wants to be with this post!

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My First Day in Tarot Class……..

🙂 I started with my Tarot classes today. But I was missing the excitement that accompanies me whenever I have to start something new. I am happy for this ‘missing’ part as it made to go deep into the realness. Otherwise the excitement makes me to float and thus I always miss the touch. In my dreams also I didn’t see anything related to Tarot. When I got up today, I was very late. I rushed to get ready and thought of leaving before two hours. A sort of fighting was going in my mind whether I should go in auto or bus. I don’t know there is sort of fear in me to go in bus. But if I have to think, I am feared of what, I don’t know. I hesitate to go in buses especially where I am new and not much familiar with the environment.

I took auto and thanks to God, the auto driver was good. The way was somewhat long, but I like to be in auto, seeing the places and people. Banglore’s Golf Club is really awesome. It is so beautiful and breath taking. I have seen one in pune also, but I like this one. The picture of Banglore that I saw was totally different what I have imagined in my mind. South Banglore is more inclined to South Indian Culture. You can feel this in air. Finally, after asking almost 8-9 people, I managed to reach the class.

M took me to one of the room. I think that room was particularly for tarot, her Reikhi practice and her interst in Crystals. She has collected so many crystals. The Himalayan Crystal looks awesome. This was the first time when I saw so many crystals and too; very closely. One thing that tarto requires is that we should know so many stories. Stories increases imagination. And imagination is the basic essence of Tarot.

Que Sera Sera……Nature has already done planning for you and She will take you there, no matter what you do. I also felt a strong sense that life can’t give you everything. There is always a limit of what we can achieve and what we get is a gift from God and we should try to appreciate the things that we have rather than to ask for other things. I have read these things in many books and many times they have passed through my heart but I never felt them to go deep down my heart.

When M did reading for me, I was totally astonished. The things that she told me, all these I was hearing from the astrologers when mom used to go to them for seeing my horoscope. Is there really something as UNKNOWN……….energy that is floating in the universe. Is there a world beyond this tech-life, beyond my freinds, my parents, my life. I am still thinking how she told all these things? How she told what exactly is going in my mind? How she came to know what exactly I need to do? Future is not that far, I will see whether my life really goes in the way that she told. It is not like that I am suspicios about tarot, but I am more concerned about which energy is there, that links with one person to another?

I feel like to explore all these things, to reach to every person who knows about it and I know if it will start, it will be difficult for me to come back. I fear to go in all this. I want life to be simple without all these questions, with my home, my husband and children. But………………..Sometimes to leave everything and to live with questions is more important rather than to search for answers.

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