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Archive for September, 2008

I can say that for me september month is ‘Pendulum Swing’ month. At the start of the month, I swung to the extreme end of my mood; I guess that was the worst part of me when I couldn’t think anything positive. And in the middle of the month, my mood started to change, may be because of some unknown aura and I swung to the other end of me. And towards the end, I was left alone. Swing to be made with energy gathered from inside. I am now still. The gifts that this month showered on me………

  • Best day of the month was when I went with H and G. One whole saturday I spent with them and it was just awesome. I always feel so much comfortable with them. We went to some SLV Coffee Bar and I had the best ever dosa in Bangalore 🙂 Thanks September for bringing that day in my life.
  • I always expect so much from relationship, even if the relationship is restricted to simple ‘Hi’. At the start of the month, what my soul urge number says, “You have a deep compulsive need to connect with others and if this does not happen, your personality will distort itself in all kinds of ways” came true. Don’t know why with some people I always feel some sort of attachment. And if the attachment thread is lose on other side, it is very difficult for me to carry vague thread. But as the month proceeded, I went more into tranquil state. My mantra of ‘letting go’ is working for me. And the best thing, no implacable feeling inside me.
  • One book really gave tears to my eyes. This was the first book that moved me too much. I just love ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’.
  • I have started getting the effect of IT. When I first landed in my job, I heard everyone saying…… ‘Oh Man’. Don’t know why this ‘man’ word is so popular in IT. Some of my conversation saw this word. When I talk, I feel like to keep my conversation simple and effective and till now am restricting myself not to use this word very often.
  • It was good when P herself called on her birthday so that I could wish her as I couldn’t call her at 12, the previous night. I felt happy.
  • My August Funda of drawing lines, again faded. The belief, ‘I am journeyer here and I will do the things that really please me, that is what really matters in the end’ became more stronger in this month.
  • On office front, I got new cubicle. I am loving it. Now the thought, ‘How can I decorate my sweet cube’ just hangs in my mind. Working in new team is a good experience and I am enjoying it.

Welcome October………..

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Today the topic on Sunday Scribbling is ‘Wedding’. I thought of capturing the feelings of bride in my words. I have no idea what bride feels on her wedding day, but just wanted to give a try. So here are my some raw words……

Just few steps to go when you and I will be ‘us’

Just few steps to go when eternity will sit in our lap

 

As I take one step

I feel your eyes on me

          shyness and pride surrounds me

Feels like I can hear those silent

          words sending tickling on my way

 

As I take next step

I gift my life to you

          for the music from two strings of a lute

Feels like I am now heart

          with heartbeats sitting deep inside you

 

As I take next step

I offer all my dreams

          to become petal of the same flower

Feels like a promise

          of eternal love for flower to be alive forever

 

As I take next step

I find myself in your life

          which I have shared unknowingly somewhere

Feels like you are my shooting star

          appeared to shower blessings for my love

 

Image source – Here

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FROM MY LIFE – 1

I guess tabula rasa child mind is influenced unknowingly by so many things which are not in our hands. Sanity Found’s post made me to think about my childhood happenings that somehow helped me to shape who am I. The incidences are very irrelevant and frivolous. Memory is so wonderful. They make us laugh when we remember the times we cried. But somehow I am realising at this point, all of them have surely helped me to become I.

I was never bothered about my dressing sense. But now, I have changed myself, I have become particular about my dressing when I have to go somewhere out. It never clicked me that sometimes other are so much bothered about what you are wearing until commented out by my friend when I was in first year of my engineering. That comment did act as catalyst in invoking memory of my childhood days when I was studying in fifth standard. I had just come finishing my routine playtime when my father told me that we all had to go out for some officer daughter’s birthday party. I was never interested in going out and to mingle with strangers. But saying ‘no’ to my father was not my cup of tea. I just took out my blue top and denim skirt and never bothered if my top had to be ironed properly or whether that blue color would go with that denim skirt. When we reached the birthday party, the girl’s mom told her to take me with her and to show all the toys. I still remember her eyes, the way she was seeing my top. And when I went to say Hi to all her friends, everyone started laughing at me and murmuring some comments about my dress. At that time, I was too shy to say few words. I listened all of them like a lamb. And like an ignored child, I was sitting alone in some lonesome corner in the birthday party. And when we reached home, I cried like anything. Time has given maturity and I hate people like hell whose only job is to observe and to judge. I know now, this is all rubbish, but still when I have to go out, I will look myself in the mirror 2-3 times to make sure that my dress is fine.

Vomiting my feelings on pages started since my fourth standard. Don’t know where all my crap diaries have gone, I just pray they should not land somehow in my mom’s hand. And still I love to write my feelings on my private blog rather than to speak out with my friends.

As a child, daddy always used to make us sit with him and to read all the quotes appeared on the local newspaper. I guess my love of quotes started from there only. Otherwise I was never that kind that I would myself go and would take newspaper in my hand.

One of my friend had once told me, “You are the most unluckiest girl I have seen in my life”. I know at that time, all the things were just slipping from my hand, but his comment made me to think, to ask many questions from God and to give a new direction to my life. I really started working hard which I guess I never did before. And now at this stage, touchwood…I am happy where I am and if I ever get a chance to meet that guy in future, I will surely gonna tell him about his wordings, may be which he made unintentionally but the wordings are still fresh in my heart. Don’t know why I can’t forget certain things!

More to go…………….

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 I am alone with you, collecting pebbles and throwing them into your water. I don’t want any of my wish come true but just want to hear the sound of that final flop sending ripples same as the beating of my heart, echoes which finally will be consumed as all my prayers have been answered. I just want to concentrate on a point on the ripples which is swinging in backward motion of struggle and forward motion of desire. I can feel some sanity growing inside my body or may be my soul when I watch this show of life. I know I am the only culprit waiting again when silence will engross you and then again I can disturb your stand stillness. May be I know deep inside, silence is echoing turbulently to touch sky. I will throw the pebble again when droplet will mutate into tears, releasing you, soothing you…….finally.

I am not meant to go with crowd collecting pebbles to embellish my cottage but to throw my pebbles to watch a show of turmoil of my life ripples.

 

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One more Kannada song is added to my favourites! Thank you H 🙂 When this gurl told me the lyrics, I loved it and the way song is sung, is just amazing….I just wish I can sing this song in full swing. Song is from ‘Amruthavarshini’ movie and lyrics go like this….”Thunthuru alli neera haadu”.

Lyrics! I couldn’t translate them. Need some help from my Kannada friends 🙂

Tunturu Alli Neera Haadu
Kamapana Elli Preeti Haadu

Hagalirali Erulirali
Neenirade Hegeerali
Nanna Tumbu Hrudaya Nee Tumbide
Ninna Ee Tumbu Preetiyalu
Kanna Hadonte Kayuvenu

Gaganada Surya Manemele
Nee Nanna Surya Hanemele
Chilipili Haadu Yelemele
Ninna Preeti Haadu Yedemele
Gaali Gaali Tampu Gaali
Ura Tumba Idiyo
Ninna Hesara Gaali Onde Nanna Usirallideyo
Namma Preeti Belega Itihaasavu
Ninna Sahacharave Chaitra
Alli Nana Inchara Amara

Tunturu Alli Neera Haadu
Kamapana Elli Preeti Haadu

Cheluvane Ninna Mogulunadi
Hagalalu Shashiya Beduvanu
Rasikane Ninna Rasikatege
Madananu Maragi Soragavanu
Taayeetande Yella Neene Yaake Bere Nantu
Saaku Yella Sirigala Meero Ninna Preeti Gantu
Jagavella Maadari Ee Preemave
Nanna Edeyaalo Dhani Neene
Ninna Sahachari Nee Naane

Tunturu Alli Neera Haadu
Kamapana Elli Preeti Haadu

Tunturu Alli Neera Haadu
Kamapana Elli Preeti Haadu

Hagalirali Erulirali
Neenirade Hegeerali
Nanna Tumbu Hrudaya Nee Tumbide
Ninna Ee Tumbu Preetiyalu
Kanna Hadonte Kayuvenu

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Silently when you close eyes

flashing hundred thoughts

of us counting countless stars

I see myself in twinkling

reflection of every star

Is this love

to see me in your thoughts?

 

Silently when you lay steps

lightening corners of my heart

where crazy dreams are multiplying

I see myself at every step

with you holding hands

Is this love

to wish to be part of your journey?

 

Silently when you gaze at sky

seeking to get view of your angel

who can blossom you and I into Us

I see myself on those clouds

with your angel admiring me

Is this love

to become part of your prayers?

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I haven’t escaped from my first problem still and the second problem has popped-up. It is very difficult for me to hide what is going inside my mind. It shows on my face. Some feelings I just can’t escape. If anyone knows me somewhat, they can easily make out that I am not normal. Gosh! I never wanted this. I want to keep all my feelings within me only. Sometimes I love to wear mask and don’t want to reveal myself. I want to hide what I am feeling and at the same time pretending that I am perfectly normal.

But now-a-days I am unable to do this. Even it is just a small thing and I feel uncomfortable, it directly shows on my face. And little happiness like watching that kid in morning going to school with his father, shows on my face. Even when I chat online with my friends, I carry expressions while chatting – smiling, sometime laughing and sometime feeling sad.

From Tuesays with Morrie, “I am not bothered by the silence. For all the noise I make with my friends, I am still not comfortable talking about my feelings infront of others.”  I am not comfortable talking about my feelings with outside world. I guess I never did. I always feel that who knows me better, still doesn’t know me truly. May be that’s why I came with blog, a part more about my problems, my feelings, my emotions and my thinking. And for outside world, I guess I am totally opposite. I think if I will show this blog, no one will believe me that I feel like the way I write.

But now the situation is becoming worse. I just can’t control to show-up my feelings on my face. What to do now?

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