YOUR STEPS

i have always seen

our footsteps marked on sand

with rusted sunset holding our breath.

and now

when i go alone on that seashore

i always find your footmarks

on turning back

those tidal waves still caress them

as if you are their child

or may be they have their own way

of remembering who once stepped with them.

in same need as God of love

i also want to lay my steps

on those marked steps of yours

but every time those tidal waves

throw me high up in the air

where my heart chokes

with thoughts of meeting the horizon

……may be i was an unwelcome guest in your life

or……may be welcomed one but I overstayed

Sometimes i wonder

what if i again see you somewhere

in that shade of rusted sunset!

will then we still be presuming

being ‘US’ is a mistake

or we would have accepted

it doesn’t matter to our lives!

….but tell me once

which is more worse?

Read Full Post »

Blind Haziness!

When I closed my eyes yesterday night, some hazel dreams started dancing in the deep darkness in-front of my eyes. But all I could see were those murky dreams that were just randomly jumping rather than dancing with those mesmerizing steps. And then with all my strength I tried to clear this smoggy scene and at the end all I could see were zillion twinkling dots telling me to shape my dream. I took one dot, joined it to another and then to another and then to another……..

Many painted dreams now invisibly rest besides me. And today when I tried to admire them, all I could feel and see is that they are not fitting in the space. I don’t know what this space is all about. May be it is all that my heart can think of, may be it is all that my eyes can see, may be it is all those emotions that I can feel or may be it is just a reflection of some fanatical dreams on a thin ice. I am clueless! And today only I got to read this message for me…..

“… that when you pursue your dreams, every second is an encounter with God. Following your dreams opens your heart allowing God to enter and fill you with bliss.”

I am here now with my dreams, struggling hard to fit them into my defined space. Many have been crippled and few have been smashed in this trial. I don’t know where God will enter and if He can fill cracks with his bliss. Just with a hope…..Amen!

Read Full Post »

My Dear Blog!

GONE???? not for long

My dear blog, I am so sorry. I guess it has been so long since I came here and kissed you with my words. I really missed you and all my dear friends. I don’t want to give an excuse but really I don’t know how ‘few’ days away from you muted into ‘many’ days. And I way I am, little distance always makes my heart to give excuse not to come back. But finally, I have come back. Even if I don’t print my footsteps on time, it doesn’t mean I am not here. You are always in my mind, even if I am hiding (from myself); may be for my transition period. Love ya, my blog! ~~Hug me Now~~

Read Full Post »

Woman!!

From my old box:-

I am a woman, a body subsuming the universe

Melancholy of love, passion, sorrow and desire

I am in the creation and in the annihilation

I am woman, a dancer of this whole enchilada

Ardency of your soul’s essence

Emotion, devotion, adulation and affection

I am a woman, part of God, queen of creation

~neilina

A woman of Strength……….

• A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape, but….. A woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape.
• A strong woman isn’t afraid of anything, but…. A woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.
• A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her, but…. A woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.
• A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future, but….. A woman of strength realizes life’s mistakes can also be God’s blessings and capitalizes on them.
• A strong woman walks surefootedly, but….. A woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls.
• A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face, but….. A woman of strength wears grace.
• A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey, but…. A woman of strength has faith that in the journey she will become strong.

Source – here

P.S. – pic of rose from my garden!

Read Full Post »

Notes to myself – 2

Love…………….

How do I get love? I have it. I must drop my definitions of love. Love is not saying nice things to people or smiling or doing good deeds. Love is love. Don’t strive for love, be it.

All my life I have made it complicated, but it is so simple. I love when I love. And when I love, I am my self.

“All I want is to be loved” – Wanting to be loved, to be lovable, is not really a desire for how I want to be, but for how I want others to be.

~Hugh Prather

P.S. – Pics from my PG! ‘Clouds before Rain’. (Bangalore, 7:25 pm)

Read Full Post »

Missing someone

What actually missing someone means? Is it like this that the past (or the future that you imagined), which is hiding somewhere inside your brain cells suddenly pops-up and dances infront of your eyes, creates old (presumed) magical patterns and then you crave  to be there with the patterns.  Or ‘missing’ is just a flash of thought which is held with remembrance.  But missing doesn’t always mean ‘craving’. Surely, somewhere it is attached with “what if…..”.

Few days back, I was feeling like to talk to one my friend with whom I have a friendship of simple ‘Hi’. I wanted to talk to him, wanted to hear a simple hello. And now sitting here, I am just thinking as to how many people have crossed my life and somewhere all of them have left an impression. Some are the ‘best things’ happened to me. Some have made me to cross the road, taken my hand and then hidden somewhere….where? I don’t know ! And the best thing is that for many of them I don’t remember. I do miss all of them.

Remembering these lines from ‘Before Sunset’……………….

“You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details”

Read Full Post »

MOON – Reflection of womanhood!

I am now with Paulo’s ‘BY THE RIVER PIEDRA I SAT DOWN AND WEPT’. And few things in the book just made me to think very hard. The words….

“And we (women) came to understand the cycle of creation, because our bodies repeat the rhythm of the moon……that the moon was a reflection of my womanhood”

That night when I read these words, I went out to see the moon. Can I see the woman in the moon? I tried to find me in the moon – the woman I am! This was the first time when I was visualizing moon as feminine. And really it feels great to know about moon as symbol of feminism. Moon is Me!

When I surfed, most of the sites talked about the mysteries of moon and womanhood in menstruation. This, in turn lead our ancestors to associate the event of mensuration with the symbolism of the Womb of Tomb. This supported what the ancients saw occuring in the sky; the ability of the Moon to transform, change, and disappear for three days and then suddenly reappear to live again – having correspondence with Menstrual Cycle. And I have read about the ‘three faces of woman’ and now I found another face of woman, making it as ‘Four Faces of Woman’.

• Dark Moon/New Moon – Rising moon not yet visible. At the end of this stage a very small crescent can be seen. Face of Woman – Hag. Both at the end and the beginning of the moon cycle’s, indicates turning inward, future potentials, concentration of essential energies, spiritual emphasis for the greater whole.
• Waxing Moon/First Quarter – Can be seen in the west during the first part of the night. Appear to be getting fatter. Face of Woman – Maiden: indicative of developing personality, self absorption, drawing things toward her. Moon shows fast flowing incoming energies, things put in motion with effort, face facts, overcome obstacles.
• Full Moon – Night of full moon on the 3rd day is when this stage ends. Face of Woman – Young Mother: product of involvement, has a developed and mature personality.
• Waning Moon/Last Wuarter – The moon appears to be thinner and is reducing to a thin narrow crescent again. Face of Woman: Grandmother: concerned with entire family and community, giving one’s own experience of self development, teaching others of what she has learned. Moon shows outgoing energies, letting go of what is no longer needed or required, resolution of situations, finalizing conditions, rid of troubles and unwanted conditions.

I know next time when I will be looking at the moon, I will surely see the woman hiding inside her. But don’t know why till at this point, I never bothered myself or never tried to look into the feminine side of nature. Nature must be a woman!!

Read Full Post »

JOURNEY!

The road of my life’s journey is full of twists and dangerous bumps. I never felt that balmy breeze and never heard any rustling of leaves with melody meant for me. I am alone in this journey and always longed for my garden. I dreamt and wished my garden to be there just after the next turn. Illusion after another illusion has given me strength to take steps. A heart filled with longing has true spirit. My dream garden is filled with fragrance of rosemary. There is one lotus pond in the middle with green shrubs encircling it which is covered with the whitest and the purest flowers. I can see butterflies dancing on them. The breeze is running fingers in my hairs. I can see full moon from my garden. I can feel dew with every step. All I can see in my garden is love and all I can feel is tranquility. This is my illusion garden and I have always longed for it.

And when I was about to take next turn to move ahead I felt the same aroma. And the next turn gave me not the reflection but the garden itself. Still I am standing in awe not knowing what to do next. I lack courage to accept you…Oh My Dear Garden! I can’t! I have a fear that acceptance may mean to lose my strength to move on. I have a fear of facing many questions from my life if I don’t accept you.  I just wish not my every wish to come true. I am preparing myself to turn back and to search for another turn that holds another dream for me.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  ~Anatole France

Read Full Post »

DREAMS AND HOPES!

Motionless……..

I am standing

cherubically staring

heap of my tacit dreams

lying in fictitious realm

radiating serenity

in every thought.

My dead dreams

do breathe silence

in matrix of dead hopes!

Vagrantly…………

I am kissing

all radiant hopes

floating in balmy air

Not knowing from where

desolate parcel voyaging

with no dreams can dust-off.

My lively hopes

do twinkle endlessly

in dark shadow of hollow dreams!

There are some dreams for which no hope is attached. Reality doesn’t allow me to do it. They can never come true. But I do breathe these dreams. After all, life is not where all the dreams are to be fulfilled. They still give me happiness when I think about them. The childhood dreams, teenage dreams, career dreams and so on! Time always sets a limit on them. Dreams without hopes are still my life. There are some hopes for which I never dreamt. They are coming, fruiting in my mind and staying there. It never occurred to me to link dreams to these hopes. Hopes without dreams! And I have also found a bridge linking dreams and hopes. Living with this trinity of dream and hope sometimes make me to think hard.

Read Full Post »

OCTOBER RAMBLINGS!

October bought for me 3Fs – Friends, Fun and Family. The best thing was that I became more confined in my present rather than to think about the past tensions or future worries. It was good to live in your present. This month saw of me less emotional. My thinking aspect somewhat disappeared and more I became inclined to, ‘Whatever happens, happens for good’.

• The month started with my first ever trip with friends since I landed here in Bangalore. It was really a fun; be it either venturing into water of Balmuri Falls or sight seeing of Temples near Mysore. This was the first time that my plan fruited after looooong hours of planning. Overall the trip was a fun. And the great oath that has come out is to go on a trip every month. Lets see, how many months can we go on accomplishing this pledge.
• I dawned into unnecessary tensions and many-a-times diverted myself but thank to God, this month made me to come-out in just few minutes. Loneliness stayed away from me and whenever it pinged me, I found myself with the friends to wipe it away.
• The support, care and love of friends really filled my heart. Be it in office, PG or my blogger friends. It really felt at peace when friend pinged me directly; asking me the reason rather than simply to read the blog, when friends bought medicines and scolded me for my illness, when they called me every time for dinner and lunch, when they cheered me up whenever I felt dull, when H bought home food for me……….Salute to Friendship! 🙂
• I enjoyed being pampered at home. I bow my parents for their care and simply I am thinking I can never be even 1% mom as my mom is! Moms are really like this only! The part that filled my heart with tears and a fear that girls leave their parent’s home after marriage. This happened when my father was talking to me and in next moment, tears came in his eyes and after sometime my mom also started crying. How to tell them I am here only and not going anywhere now!
• I had my first Vodka 🙂 Although there were just few drops (I guess) in one glass of Coke and I didn’t feel anything, but I am happy with the thought that coke had vodka. And I want to give again one shot to see how it feels to be in Full Nasha 😀
• I am with these three wishes for this month – to do nose piercing, to have a rose tatoo on my left ankel, to buy SLR camera and to go on sky diving.
• Finished reading of ‘The five people you meet in heaven’ by Mitch Albom and ‘The Monk who sold his Ferrari’ by Robin Sharma. Again these books have taken me to different world. You are new you. I just wish when I can get the courage and wisdom of Julian in ‘Monk who sold his Ferrari’ and clarity of thoughts like Eddie in ”The five people you meet in heaven’ even after my death.

Lets see, how this month of November goes! Good Luck to me!

Read Full Post »